Okay, so, when I feel better, I have to post it right away because you never know how long it’s going to last. Sigh.

Starting with the good news: I feel better.
I haven’t fallen in almost 5 weeks and the pain in my SI joints is a little better (Yay, Ibuprofen 600!). My back and my neck still hurt, no doubt related to the SI joints, but hey, one step at a time.
I’ve also noticed that I don’t get full body spasms at night if I sleep on my side, so I’m trying that… Not terribly successful though: I have a special neck pillow but when I lie on my side, my lower shoulder gets squashed, my arm falls asleep and I don’t know where to put my legs. So I’m not sleeping very well but… No spasms! Which seems important right now. And I’m sure I’ll get used to sleeping on my side.

But mostly I feel better mentally/emotionally. I feel like I want to be in control again and there’s things I want to do and things I can do and things to surrender.
I am very much looking for new apartment because my stubbornness is still getting me up to the fourth floor with no elevator but is that really necessary?
And I want to go to India. Because it’s warm and because there is an ayurveda clinic, where they have a lot of experience and some good results with MS, so it’s worth a try, right? And it’s warm.
And I’m doing a short kundalini yoga meditation, the sat kriya, every day.

But… I fell again. On Friday evening. Arrgh! After almost 5 weeks without a fall. I managed to delay the fall for a few seconds though. And instead of just crashing down, I kind of spiraled down and my chair and table broke the fall a little bit (creating bruises on the back of my head and my back… but anyway). So, I’m in more pain physically again. But to me the biggest impact of any fall was always emotional. It’s so discouraging and can feel so hopeless. And I’m not feeling that right now. I feel good about the fact that I was able to delay the fall for a few seconds and I want to talk to my physical therapist (I finally found a good one!) about that. Maybe it’s possible to use these few seconds to avoid falling altogether…

No grateful picture for yesterday, I’m afraid.
Instead another chapter out of “I can’t believe this is happening”.
So.
Something I forgot to mention: I’ve been getting these full body spasms. At night, when I’ve been lying in the same position for a while, I wake up and then either the whole front of my body or the whole back of my body contracts. Only for a couple of seconds but that pulls on my SI joint and it’s extremely painful. And I think that’s the reason why three months after the fall my SI joint pain is worse than ever. And I can’t handle it anymore. So I went to my neurologist on Wednesday and asked him for stronger pain medication. He prescribed a stronger version of ibuprofen and for nighttime some sort of opium-based painkiller/relaxer. By no means the strongest medication out there, but apparently too strong for me. At first I thought it worked great, I was so relaxed, it kind of freaked me out. But… I didn’t sleep well at all, I kept waking up with cold sweat and a dry mouth. And on Thursday morning I totally collapsed: I felt nauseous and dizzy and it was horrible (Germans: Ich hatte Kreislauf.) I spent the whole day with a horrible hangover (minus the party): eating crackers, drinking water and feeling like hell. Around 6 PM I was able to get up and have some soup.
So, I guess that medication doesn’t work for me. I’ll take the spasms for now.
But… Grateful for my parents who came over to take care of me.