it’s been hell.

When I started this blog one of my intentions was to keep faraway friends posted on what’s going on, so that they wouldn’t worry so much. Actually, I think that was my main intention, I don’t want my friends to worry (By the way, what does it say about me that even in this little situation I’m so concerned about my friends worrying…? I have issues. Sigh.) And that has led to me not being honest when things were shit. Instead I wouldn’t post at all or lash out at people’s reactions to my situation or bitch about spiritual viewpoints.

No more.

It’s been hell.

Ever since my fall at the beginning of October, I’ve had pain in my SI joint area (for those of you, who are not anatomy nerds, that’s at the back of the pelvis). It’s a really bad place to have pain because it’s, well, the center of the body. Meaning, movements of my legs cause pain as well as movements of my spine. So, it’s pretty much impossible to keep that area still to allow it to heal. That’s why healing takes so long, several months. And it’s been the worst possible timing because the symptoms of paralysis, specifically spastic paralysis, of my legs have been getting worse. A lot worse. And there’s not much I can do about it because any movement or training of my legs causes pain. I’m helplessly watching my legs fall apart. Hell.
I can’t walk very well, only very slowly and I’m not stable at all. I’ve had a few almost falls and some real falls since October. The worst one just before Christmas. The horrible thing was that earlier that evening, instead of meeting a friend at a restaurant, I had invited her to my home because I wanted to avoid a situation in which I might fall… And then I fell at home. During a very small “non-movement” I got a sharp shooting pain in my right SI joint and that made me flinch and fall. Crashing to the floor. Honestly, I was surprised that my downstairs neighbor didn’t come up. For a while after that I felt so helpless and hopeless. Like there was nothing I could do to avoid falling, so I would always be in pain and might as well give up. And physically my spine felt all messed up, my neck hurt, my shoulders felt tense… Now I have to add a little something positive: I haven’t fallen since (knock on wood). And since my osteopath has helped my spine feel better, I have felt better and more hopeful as well.
The other thing that has been a big problem, is sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well. Since October. Partly because I wake up from pain when I move in my sleep. And partly because turning over in bed has gotten so difficult that I wake up when I try  to turn over. I get all caught and tied up in my bedcover… and it sucks. I can’t remember the last night I didn’t wake up at least three times.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something that a wonderful Thai massage practitioner and Qigong teacher told me during one of my previous low points.
He said: This too shall pass.
And I said: What if it doesn’t?
And he said: You have to trust.
And I said: But that’s hard!
And he said: You don’t have a choice.

Okay then.

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