Vata, fear and an infomercial

Week 23 of this blog
Week 116 of this situation
Weight: 50,5 kg / 111 lbs.
Last fall: 51 days ago

This past week a few of my friends told me (personally or in private messages) not to stress/worry about this blog and whether or not it gets written. Yes, I know. But it doesn’t work like that, does it? The previous format with very irregular blog posts WAS stressing me out, so now I’m trying this structure on for size. And if I don’t like it, I will try something else.
Also, in Ayurveda I’m a Vata constitution which means an emphasis on the principle of movement and the light elements of wind and ether. We “Vatas” benefit from structure and a regular schedule, so that we don’t get caught up in… everything! That makes so much sense to me and I found it very helpful to understand that about myself: In the past year I’ve tried to be lenient with myself and basically ditched discipline. This has led to me going to bed around 1am in the morning, getting up and having breakfast around noon, lunch at 4 or 5pm and dinner around 9pm. Didn’t feel too good but I didn’t want to force myself. But understanding the needs of my constitution, my discipline now has a different quality and I have an easier time sticking to my optimal bedtime and mealtimes because I know it’s better for me and I feel better. The Vata constitution also loves and needs excitement and doing things full-out, full-on and then some (like going to India for Ayurveda treatment…). But sometimes a more measured approach is better for our health (like doing Ayurveda treatment at home…). So yeah, this Ayurveda journey has been pretty amazing and I’ve only just started. Very excited to find out where it can lead!

In other news, I’m still recovering from this cold that technically ended over a week ago. Took a lot out of me. The scary thing about being sick was that I had to stay in bed for a few days and take it easy for a few more. And with this degenerative process that’s going on in all my muscles, I never know what abilities I may lose during a time of inactivity. This past week things (including my head!) have cleared up and I feel like my symptoms have gotten worse in three areas:
Speech: It’s increasingly difficult for me to enunciate clearly. And when I get emotional or have a coughing fit, I sometimes find it impossible to talk at all. I mean physically impossible in a really strange way. I’ve also noticed that speaking English seems to be more physically strenuous than speaking German. Or is that just me?
My hands: It’s gotten so difficult to grab and hold onto things. And at this point I can only extend my right middle finger fully. And… I don’t practice my occupational therapy exercises. At all. I know that’s bad and I’m not very happy with myself but I just can’t get myself to do it. It’s so frustrating to practice something without much hope of getting better, just to slow the process of getting worse.
My legs: I feel like I have lost (for the moment, at least) my natural walking pattern. I can still walk but only very slowly and I have to concentrate on it and somehow artificially create a walking pattern. This not only kills my quadriceps, it’s also not very stable and I’m as scared as ever of falling. Especially since I’ve realized that most options to prevent falling (crutches, a cane, a walker/wheeled walker…) are not available to me because my arms and hands are not strong enough. I’m not ready for a wheelchair. So, I’ve been working on my legs (stretching, strengthening, walking…) everyday. I guess enough fear can override the frustration of practicing something without much hope of getting better.

I finally started reading The Healing Code by Alex Loyd and Ben Johnson. I discovered this and started reading it a while ago because Ben Johnson claims to have healed his ALS through doing The Healing Code. Claims like that raise my eyebrows… but get my attention. I didn’t get very far at first because of the authors’ very Christian religious background. I’m comfortable with spirituality but organized religion… not so much. I picked it up again a few weeks ago after a horrible pain day. It was the day after my trip to Nuremberg to see the Ayurveda guy and I’m wondering if the long drive caused it: my left knee hurt and my right adductors, both SI joins, my lower back, neck, I had a toothache and a sore throat. And it felt like the combination of all those pain spots was too much for my nervous system, I couldn’t calm down, relax, get comfortable… it was horrible. And that was WITH Ibuprofen. I remembered that The Healing Code was supposed to be a method to calm down the nervous system. So I gave it another chance. I’m on page 216 and so far it’s all been about the “science” of The Healing Code and how and why it’s supposed to work. A lot of what I’ve read I really liked and it made sense, like information about cellular memory and conscious and unconscious beliefs. Thing is… it feels like an infomercial. It seems like on every other page there’s something about this being the only method that can solve all your problems… knocking pretty much every other kind of treatment, therapy or self-help in the process. Is that necessary? And now as I’m about to get to the actual Healing Code, I first have to read a Disclaimer & Informed Consent explaining that this is for informational and educational purposes only and they make no curative claims. Okay then. Struggling to keep an open mind but I can do it. I will read the rest of the book and try The Healing Code and tell you about it next week.

To end on a positive note, here are some random and not so random grateful moments:
The week started spectacularly with a visit from a friend from Holland. I can’t believe you came all this way to spend a day with me! Thank you!
I love this weather! Yay spring!
And… The other day I had an eyelash in my eye and had a really hard time getting it out with my somewhat weak fine motor skills… Thank God I don’t need contact lenses!

PS: I have my last dentist appointment tomorrow! Only one more mercury filling. Wish me luck!

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