Inspiration, good times and still me

Week 33 of this blog
Week 126 of this situation
Weight: 49,5 kg / 109 lbs.
Last fall: 21 days ago

I found “my” meditation practice: Kundalini Yoga. I discovered this a while ago and liked it and did a daily meditation for a while but… then I stopped (I don’t remember why) and I didn’t take it up again. But last weekend I met the most amazing Kundalini Yoga teacher and she touched my heart and inspired me so much, I’m still kind of speechless about it. And I have recommitted too my Kundalini meditation practice, heart and soul, and I’ve been doing it every day and will continue to do so – forever! And I so needed that and needed it now because I’m having to make decisions about treatment options and that’s always difficult because… Well, there is no treatment that’s known to work, so I just have to decide what feels right for me for now and what I put my faith in and then live with that decision. And the alternative / holistic / naturopathic treatment options I’m looking into usually take time, so once I’ve made my decision I have to be patient and stick with it for a while to see if it works. And in the past two and half years nothing has, really. And it’s getting harder and harder to stay positive and patient as the disease progresses. Having a daily meditation practice is so helpful for making decisions and staying in touch with myself and staying patient and positive.
I finally received my Ayurveda herbs and will start taking them, six times a day on a pretty strict schedule for at least three months. That still feels like the right thing to do, despite other treatment options that have come up. And I will cut down on my other vitamin and mineral supplement intake. And my weird grain intolerance has cleared up, so I can resume my Ayurveda diet. Yay!

So, I’ve been having a really good time mentally and emotionally… Physically not so much but it’s okay.

Some thoughts going around in my head: I’m still me. Who am I?
About a year ago someone told me that ALS is sometimes called “the great reducer”. Makes perfect sense. And at the time I was very much in fighting mode, thinking: “This shall not reduce me!” (spoken in a Gandalf voice in the first Lord of the Rings movie when he fights that fire thing… never mind). I really thought if I only fought enough, moved enough, I would get better. Didn’t work. A few months ago someone else used the word “reduce” in this context but he said: “ALS reduces you to your essence”. Sounds different, doesn’t it? I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Had I been asked to describe myself a few years ago, the words “movement” and “talking” would have definitely come up. And those things are being taken away from me and yet I feel very much like me still. And I think all of my friends would agree that I’m still me. So… Who am I? I don’t have an answer yet. It’s okay to share unfinished thoughts, right? For now, I just like to focus on the feeling that I’m still me. That seems important. And I can’t get this Dr. Seuss quote out of my head:
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
― Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!

So, on that note, love, light and good night!

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4 Comments

  1. Anastasia Platt

     /  May 19, 2014

    You are amazing! I love the way you turn negative positive! You are most definitely YOU! I love you.

    Reply
  2. Madeline

     /  May 20, 2014

    Beautiful thoughts Anja, you touched my heart. Each of us can only know our true selves. Being your friend, I have my sense of you. I admire your process and sharing it with me, all who reads it. I look forward to seeing you soon in Berlin. Thank you for writing this blog!

    Reply

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